Leon Doesn't like Ashley
by Ninyria
Summary: [ Luis x Leon. Resident Evil 4. Parody. Ashley Bashing. COMPLETE. ] Parody of some scenes.


Leon stopped as he saw a monk pointing at him, yelling incoherently. Really, is yelling that necessary? He acted scared for a bit and then just stood up straight, not even aiming at the idiotic man in the robe. Ugly robe. Minus 10 points.

"You don't want to try me, boy..." the blond said in a boring tone. He was getting sick of seeing them everywhere... over and over and over. How did they breed anyway? Where are the nuns at? They're probably hermaphrodites. I bet either they put their penis' inside their own vaginas and hump the empty air... or fuck others. Yeah, whatever.

The monk gave out poorly imitated maniacal laughter. Leon glared at him, bowing his head and smirked a little at the corner of his mouth. His laughter subsided into a series of broken nervous laughs.

"Minus 50 points."

"H-huh?"

Before thinking, Leon shot him in the foot. He doesn't need time to aim because he practiced enough with these excessive bastards to get accurate shot. The monk screamed like a girl for briefest moment and fell to his knees. Then a long groan emitted from his mouth. Leon walked toward him, shoved his nice package in his face and put his magnum against his temple.

"Uh-uhh-uh..." Monk murmured, opening his mouth and started to drool at Leon's nice crotch. His mouth foamed, moving up and down as if he wanted to eat it.

"Ew," Leon said, "Sorry. Minus 20 points."

"MAMA!" he said, sucking his thumb.

Leon pulled him up and surplexed him, beheading him immediately. He bent over and picked up the dead body's robe to see if he had a penis or not. Yeah, a small one. Leon spun happily on the heels of his boots and headed for a large hall. He started to whistle a tune from Kill Bill.

He heard a door being opened. Quickly, he took out his shotgun from his big ass attachment case and spun, yelling, "You're going down, motherfucker!"

"Ah, Leon!" Luis screamed, ducking. "Wait, I got it!" He bent his knees, crouching and covered his head. Leon was surprised to see him but soon in a split second, what he saw coming was even more surprising. Some large wanker tentacle came out of the door, waving violently. He pulled at the shotgun, blasting it. Walking toward it, he shot and reloaded until the wanker withdrew. Then, he ran to the door and closed it.

Luis screamed again and started to crawl away from the door, whimpering loudly, "Please! I got it! Don't shoot me."

"Luis, you idiot! Gimme the chair," Leon yelled, still bracing against the banging door. Luis ran and got the chair from nowhere. He put it under the knob of the door.

"Okay, Lets save Ashley together!" Leon said, kissing Luis on the cheeks and walked around the hallway with a smile. What the hell was that? Luis wondered why he kissed on his cheek while Leon was shooting at the bolts that held Ashley. He stood there, putting his hand on his chin. Ah, thinking hurt.

"Yay!" Ashley jumped with glee as she was free as a bird.

"Yeah shut up, bitch. Get your dumb ass back up here! Goddamnit!" Leon yelled from above, being consumed by anger. He was yelling because Ashley, being the blondest, ran away from him and got caught in a trap! Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Always be careful.

The door that had a chair against it blasted open, crashing broken wood. Saddler came out and pointed at Luis, "Give me the sample, now!"

"Nu-huh." Luis said, shaking his head like he had been a bad boy. "Nyah-Nyah-Nyah."

"Boy, don't make me take out my belt and spank you!"

"Nu-huh."

"Don't get me mad."

"Kiss my tanned ass!"

"That's it, boy! I'm coming to kill you now."

Then Ashley came from the below, running and hugged Leon. "Yay, Leon. I missed you so much! Thank you for saving my life!"

Like the 138738497th time. Leon thought, rolling his eyes.

"I love you, my prince! I'll marry you!" Ashley cried with joys. Um what? Oh god, ever since the mission, she had been trying to seduce Leon. She threw away her underwear, for Christ's sake! She pulled it down her legs in front of Leon! She rubbed her goddamn dirty underwear on Leon's arm softly with a suggestive smile. He had to ask what the monkey blue hell she was doing. She said she was trying to stop the bleeding when there was no wound at all! And she could climb up the ladder, showing off her unshaven pussy. Ew.

Saddler started to walk toward the Spaniard. He looked around at Leon to see if he would save his ass but he was busy, trying to pry Ashley out of embrace. He had his palm against Ashley's face, pushing her away from kissing him. "Get off of me, Ash!"

"Buhmm I wannmmph kiss ywouph!"

"Uh-oh," Luis said and took the nearest urn. He threw it down from the balcony, "Fetch!"

Okay, not working. Saddler scowled. "Do you really think I'm stupid, Luis Sera?"

Luis put his fist down his pocket, as if grabbing the sample and threw it over the balcony.

"Noooo!" Saddler screamed. He jumped off the balcony, going after nothing into the air.

"BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Luis screamed in laughter as he heard the body thud. "_Burro_."

"Luis?"

"Yeah?" He turned to face Leon who was looking at him strangely. So strangely, he probably thought he was a whack job. He nodded toward two big doors, "Let's go, Luis."

Luis pouted and shrugged. "May I borrow your red nine?"

Leon wrapped his arm Luis' waist and frowned as they walked down to the big doors, "Why? What happened to yours?"

"One stupid invisible monster snatched it and ate it when it was aping around like monkey."

"Wow, that's just terrible!" Leon said, totally into Luis. He was trying to show that he cared deeply for this man. His friend lost his favorite, trademark gun. Wow, this couldn't be any sadder. "Don't cry, baby... It'll be oka- Ashley get your hand off my ass!"

"Sorry," Ashley pouted, sticking out her bottom lip. Her eyes started to water, "Why you're so mean? I know you like me! Look at the way you look at me!"

Leon had his eyes on the sexy brunet the whole time. "Soo, Luis... did you kill that son of a bitch?"

"No, it ran away. So May I borrow something other than objects to throw?"

"I don't have the red 9," Leon said, all three stopping at the door. He took his butterfly magnum from his holster, "You can have this though."

Luis gasped, feeling so honored to have this fully upgraded pistol. He grabbed Leon and pushed him at the corner, pulling down his pants. The blond seemed to be shocked but got excited when he looked back to see Luis unzipping his pant to reveal his horny, dripping meat. Oh yeah.

Ashley stood there, gasping in partial horror as Luis howled, thrusting himself into Leon.

"OH yeah," Leon moaned in agony. "Fuck me harder."

"You like it hard, huh, little whore?" Luis asked, panting as he thrust hard into that tight channel. Ashley stood there with her hands clamped over her mouth. Oh my god, what should she do?

"Um, guys? Please don't fight!" She placed a finger on her lips in wonder, looking for another solution. "Maybe you should talk it over?"

They continued to moan and gasp. Luis was close to cumming into the lovely blond who was rocking against to meet his violent thrusts.

"Don't fight over me! It's irrational!" Her eyes were watering as he watched Luis scratched his thighs.

Leon moaned loudly, jerking his cock faster and faster until he came, gasping Luis' name. The Spaniard soon followed with a few thrust and came hard, deep inside of Leon. "Oh Fuck. Plus 10,000 points."

"Yes!" Ashley jumped with glee, "That's good. Calm down. Don't get all feisty here, guys."

Panting, both men disjointed themselves.

"Whew! For a moment there, I thought you guys were gonna kill each other!" she said with concern in her voice. Both men fell, laughing their asses off. "Okay," Leon stopped laughing, "Let's head for the knights room."

"Okay," both Luis and Ashley agreed. They went on an adventure, trying to kill Salazar, and later- Saddler. Teamwork is important!


End file.
